FOOTBALL'S attraction is its simplicity: two sets of posts; knock the ball into your opponents' posts more than they do; win. No arcane scoring system or restrictions on where you can shoot; a lack of complexity that has made for a beguiling sport. It's played by more people than any other because shoeless boys in shanty towns need only a tin can to practise their skills, yet it's capable of moments of transcendent beauty.

These facts seem lost on the producers of the stultifying 'magazine format' increasingly favoured in football highlights programmes. When I switched on Match of the Day 2 last night I had no desire to watch Lee Sharpe shambling around the Midlands, feigning interest in the relegation battles of Birmingham City and West Brom. The low-rent recognition of Celebrity Love Island wasn't such a bad idea after all, his disbelieving smile seemed to say. At least Sharpe has a soupηon of rogueish charm; not so Kevin Day, a comedian (so his CV says) whose half-baked monologues are so mind-numbing they have me clawing at my flesh.

English football doesn't need all this padding: it's a genuinely exciting league. Thierry Henry scored two sublime goals at the weekend. This was all I needed to witness, but afterwards I had to put up with Garth Crooks's supercilious fizzog; a lurch in tone that explains better than any dictionary the meaning of bathos.

You'd think we might have learned in Scotland not to make the same mistake. Alas, no: the producers of Scotsport SPL not only aspire to Match of the Day 2's format, they want to surpass it for brainless japery and a dearth of actual football. I've tried to defend Scotsport SPL in the past, as I suspect the regular pannings dealt out to the programme are as much to do with the Scottish cringe as actual ineptitude, an affliction that that also affects homegrown soap River City. But there's no excuse for making a 10-year-old Livingston fan sit through piss-poor banter to see a minute's worth of badly edited action of their team as the clock ticks past midnight.

Match of the Day 2 and Scotsport SPL could earn some belated respect simply by showing more football. Just don't hold your breath - as with any vanity project, those responsible will be loath to admit the error of their ways.